Monday, August 11, 2008

The Normalcy

There feels like an unexplained gap in the timing of things. I've been home three weeks and it feels like I haven't walked for a year. And I have no idea how it will feel to start up again.
I've been kept busy, being home. Going back and forth from Canon City to Salida to spend time with friends, working to make some money, and such. The first time I got in my car I felt claustrophobic, and drove thirty five miles an hour all the way up the highway to Salida.
When I'm with my friends I seem not to have changed at all. We laugh and play video games and swim in the river and nothing feels different than when I left.
Last Tuesday I spent the night in Canon, having spent the day with friends, and woke up Wednesday morning at my uncle's house. I drove home, took a shower, and then headed for the bachelor party in Salida that afternoon.
It would have been easy to guess, had I ever given it any thought, that Michael would be the first of us to get married. Senior year (his senior year, when I was taking time off) he went through more girlfriends that I had any hope of keeping track of. He's always been an extrovert, I guess. But the truth is that I never did give it any thought. It's not something that ever crossed my mind, considering which of us would get married first. Marriage seemed like something still a long way down the road. When he emailed me saying that he was engaged it threw me off balance.
Wednesday I stayed in Salida, and all through Thursday, working on wedding arrangements. We rehearsed at four, and then ate, before most of the groom party and ushers drove down in Mike's van to Coaldale to stay at Drew's house for the night. Mike and I stayed around, while he worked on some last minute details. By the time we headed for Coaldale, ourselves, it was pouring rain and eleven oclock at night.
In the morning I woke up early. Showered and drove back into Salida for an eight oclock meeting with a local radio station, then rushed back to Cotopaxi.
A week before, we had learned that a former classmate, Zach Price, had taken his life. Zach had been a good friend of mine for a long time in elementary school, though I hadn't seen him in a couple of years. Friday morning a service was held at the Cotopaxi church, and all seven of us in the wedding who had stayed the night in Coaldale, attended.
It's odd how we remember each other. A lot of different people stood up during the service to tell about how they remembered Zach. For me, the clearest memory is of a play in second grade. We were all different kinds of dinosaurs and we would all jump on the bed and break certain bones, or however it went, and Zach was the paleontologist and he would come out and say 'No more dinosaurs jumping on the bed!' and wave his fingers at us.
After the service we piled back into Mike's van and drove back to Coaldale, for half an hour, to finish getting things together, then drove the rest of the way into Salida. The wedding started at one. I walked Mike's mother, Stephanie, up the aisle behind the grandparents, and sat in the front row while everyone else filtered in wearing Converse sneakers.
Mike, as well as Jasmine, wore white. A fully white tuxedo and white and blue Converses. I wonder how many truly white weddings there are, anymore.
I don't know how I used to think of sex, exactly. I never felt any strong urge toward abstinence, but, instead, simply didn't feel that the timing was ever right. But my thoughts have changed some, now. I think that Michael and Jasmine, choosing to wait, have gained something, and I applaud them.
At the reception I felt awkward. I danced quite a bit. Talked with some old teachers and friends. But still felt strange. I saw one of my friends leaping through a door and I had no idea where it was going to lead. Still don't. How can I, possibly?

In the morning I'm leaving again. Walking up the driveway and turning left. And I'm scared to death. Because now, more than ever before in my life, I feel like I need to be around friends. I've always been an introvert, always easily kept myself happy. But now I'm not so sure. This last three weeks I've been soaked in friendship, and I'm afraid I might pucker up and wither away when the friendship has to get left behind. Hopefully I'll get through the loneliness, and get back into the rhythm of the road without too much trouble. But I'm not so sure.

3 comments:

ShortyStace said...

Hi Dashiel,
You probably have NO idea who I am. I went to Cotopaxi School with you but am a fair bit older. Your Dad used to coach my little brothers' soccer team.
I stumbled onto your blog from the article in The Mountain Mail online that was ran after you had returned home after the first bit of your walk. I think what you are doing is AMAZIN! Definetly takes a lot of guts to do something like that, I only wish I was that brave. I have been checking your blog in the last few days to see if you had taken off again yet and yay there finally is one saying you are!! This blog made me miss home a bit more than usual hearing about familiar names and places (I used to give Mikey and his sister a ride after school to Steph's work in Salida). Just wanted to wish you luck on the next part of your journey. Your friends will still be there when you get back :)

babygirl0707 said...

Hey dashiel, i'm pretty positive you have no clue who i am, but i was in Vani's geology class with you last year right before you left of this amazing journey. i'm very happy that some one with such heart is trying to make a difference in the world, and i think this walk is for a great cause, both for victims of natural disasters and just for something you are doing for yourself. this is the first time i have been on the blog to read it, but i read it from beginning to end, and i will be looking in to see if there is more. i wish you luck on your journey, keep up the good work. and don't worry about being lonely, i'm positive you will be surrounded with friendship and love no matter what. Good Luck!!

Lizabeth said...

Hi,
Along with the others, I know you don't know who I am. But my name is Lizabeth, I worked with Zach Price at Subway in Wellington, this summer. I found this a little while after Zach made his decision, and finally pushed up enough courage to say something. I still don't know really what to say, but if you feel comfortable enough, or can, to let me know a little bit about him. He stuck to himself quite a bit, and I managed to sqeeze out some information from him, but I still question what happened even to this day.
My email is baileylizabeth@msn.com
Zach touched my life in a strange way, and I don't know why.
Thank you,
Lizabeth